Journal: Aeilandra Paris

[Lovely]

These pages contain the personal record of Aeilandra Paris.. beginning in March of Year 1. A simple leather bound book, with pages that are smudged and smell slightly of her light perfume and faintly of dust and dirt. The book is kept hidden in a plain, locked, wooden box, which is hidden under a loose floorboard in the small room her sewing is usually done in. When first introduces, Aeilandra is married to Abraham Adams. She writes in the journal only when her husband is away or sleeping soundly and she is not too sore from his abusive treatment to sit at the desk to write.

[Lovely]

March 3, Year 1

The night grows colder and the darkness surrounds this small house near the edge of town. I am alone in a strange place, with only Janette, my faithful serving girl, to help me set up the house. Mister Adams is away for the evening, possibly a few days as he has taken to the saloon. He will retire to the cathouse after he has lost most of his money at the table and consumed enough ale to be satisfied there.

We finally reached our destination today, arriving by way of the rail,in Atasco Creek late this afternoon. Abraham discovered the saloon and cathouse not ten minutes after we arrived. I am not surprised at his behavior as it is nothing new. True to form Abraham visited the bank and then headed off to the saloon, at least this time he remembered to give me money for provisions, first.

At least for tonight I will be left in peace, I am thankful for the small blessing. Abraham may have left me with the tremendous task of unpacking and setting up our new home, but I will not have to tolerate his hands on me or accept him in my bed tonight. It is one day without an outburst of his temper, a day without being struck, whipped, or having some other harm done by his hand or will, is a gift to be grateful for.

[Lovely]

March 3, Year 1

I find myself very sleepy and sore, but bubbling with a strange excitement. I had to pause earlier in my writing to get to settling things around here, but before I can get to bed myself I must relieve some of this by writing about it... Though should Abraham ever find this diary.. I shudder to think the punishment he would bring down on me for my thoughts and feelings.

It is well after midnight now, I have spent hours unpacking and shifting furniture around the rooms. Poor Janette is exhuasted and I sent her off to rest for a few hours before we get to work again in the morning. I must say the house is much more welcoming now and slowly feeling more like home with familiar things set about. There is still much work to be done and I will have to venture into town soon for the rest of the supplies to stock us up. I smile to think I may glance him again when I do... though it would probably be for the best if I never lay eyes on him again.

While attempting to secure some one to help bring the trunks, which came on the train with us, to the house, I met a most interesting, somewhat mysterious, and dare I say handsome and charming man.. Were I a couple years younger and not married.. I watched the most wonderous sunset with him, I'd forgotten there were such beautiful miracles in this world, until a stranger came along and re-awakened part of me. There was something about his eyes, a certain kindness and a deeper fierceness, that pulled at my very soul. I swear, had I spent another five minutes with him, I would have fallen in love with him, I feel so silly thinking such things - I am in no position to indulge in love and it is entirely improper for me to even be thinking such things. But all evening I have been thinking of him and I see his eyes with the colors of the sunset when I close my eyes.

[Lovely]

March 4, Year 1

Abraham has gone into town for the night, Janette is cleaning my dress, hoping the blood will not ruin it if it is washed quickly. Abraham did not like where I placed a chair in the parlor, he hit me with such force that I tipped the chair over as I fell to the floor. The split lip stings and the swelling in noticable, but the bleeding has stopped, I don't think I will be going into town for more provisions for a few days, not until this has had time to heal some.


March 6, Year 1

This entry shant be long, it hurts too much to sit here for long and I am not certain that Abraham will not be back this evening.

Today I made the mistake of wearing a dress Abraham did not like, I won't be wearing the dress again as it has been torn and bloodied beyond repair. After the beating was finished, I thought he would leave me alone, but he wished me to bed him.. When I protested due to my injuries, he was enraged and began to hit me with renewed vigor, then he forced himself on me. I sometimes wish he would just beat me to death and I would no longer have to endure him.


March 11, Year 1

We have been here just over a week now, this town is more lonely for me than the last. At least in New Orleans I had friends I could visit with now and then.. here ther is no one and Abraham will not stand for me to make new friends. He is much too possesive and jealous, heavan forbid, if a lady I befriend has a brother, I suppose it is for the best in some regard, no one to question the marks and bruises or to wonder at my absence from the social events.

[Lovely]

March 14, Year 1

It has not been two weeks since we arrived in Atasco Creek, The town is.. I don't know how to describe it, but I like it here, even though I am very alone. Abraham has been gone more nights than he's been home and of that I have no complaints. I have been left blissfully without him and unmolested on such nights. But his mood has been quite foul when he has been home, the proof of this I have in the purple of my cheek and the raw skin of my wrists and several marks in unmentionable places. I can not help but wonder what I have done to deserve such suffering?


March 20, Year 1

I have ventured into town a few times a week since we arrived, but of course I have hardly interacted with anyone outside the merchantile and a few polite greetings after sunday services. I am pleased that Abraham at least sobered himself and cleaned up to attend services with me and acted respectably. Of course the sound whipping he gave me later in the evening after he'd had a few drinks, was much less appreciated.

[Lovely]

March 27, Year 1

Today my crime was not bearing a child for him.. I could almost laugh at the thought, if my sides were not so bruised. Abraham was in fits.. I think he lost a great deal at the tables last night. His bad luck is mine as well, I suppose, as I seemed to be more cruelly treated when his loses more.

His anger over this issue sickens me.. I have no desire to have a child with that monster, though I long for one of my own. I could not bear for an innocent child to be subjected to the harsh cruel and violent world in which I am forced to live. This house, this marriage is a living hell.. I do not know what I have done to deserve this place in life, but it would be unthinkable to bring a child into this.

He blames me of course for our lack of children, when he spends the majority of his time drinking and carying on with other women and has the entire time we have been married. I am not a fool, I know it has not only been.. paid women, I am aware of the others.. those in refined society who have had affairs with him. It does not anger me.. there is no love lost between Abraham and myself, this marraige was arranged and I have done what I had to do.

I have been pregnant no less than three times and each time, he could not restrain himself or his temper and each time I have lost the child after a severe beating or whipping from him. Yet he still blames me and punishes me further for not giving him a child.

How much longer must I bear this? How much longer can I bear this, before I break?